It crawls for 24 hours to get from one side of the pavement to the other. Spends another three days turning back on itself because it forgot where it was going after taking so damn long, then eventually ends it’s life either being eaten by a bird or stepped on, usually by Sam. I remember being out with him one night and he stood on like ten of them on one big long road near his house.

I mean honestly. What a completely crap life.

If re-incarnation exists, I hope I don’t become one. Not only would I be petrified of myself (strange phobia, snails…) but I’d live my life in fear knowing one day a big shoe is going to crush me into tiny snail pieces. What a horrible thought. Hmmm.

I think it hurts me a lot more than my sister, but I really never have had a family. I’ve got a mum, a dad. But they’re just.. parents, you know? Dad was never around my whole life, mum brought me up and fought hard for us to have a home but she’s never really done mumsy stuff with me. My whole family ignore me, I don’t have contact with any of them unless they want something from me. And my mum threw me out at age seventeen.

Being seventeen years old and not having a home is awful. Especially when it was simply because I quit my job with my sister because I wanted to focus on college and have a bit more of a social life. I’ve never hurt my mum or done anything terrible to her. I wasn’t on drugs, I didn’t come home every night pissed as a fart and shout the house down. I was a normal teenage girl who wanted to do more than go to college 20 hours a week and work for an extra 30 hours.

So it raises the question, would you ever make your children homeless? Could you do it? Not knowing if they’re going to be safe? What would your child have to do to make you feel that way? Is a child just until the age of 16-18 or should you be responsible for them forever?

I’m just curious what your guys opinions might be.

It makes me wonder.. with the track record of a lot of father’s nowadays. How many kids or teens and even adults are out there who still celebrate this day anymore. With so many single mother’s struggling to be both parents for their child(ren). It does make me wonder. And it’s a shame really, that the world is like that. It’s a shame that people don’t fall in love without the cheating and lies. If you have children and marry.. you promise to stay faithful and true to that person.

Sure sometimes people just fall out of love, they grow apart over time. But when the father doesn’t hang around and keep in touch with the children. Well that part just hurts. It really hurts to think that my father produced my sister and I plus another two girls somewhere else and doesn’t make a single effort to care. He doesn’t even know how old I am. My birthday in April, he wasn’t sure if what age to write on the card and had to ask my Auntie for the answer.

So yes.. bit of a rant there, hehe. But still.. it would be nice to have a father figure. But I don’t. So he doesn’t deserve a card

Knowing my general luck it’s quite likely that I’ll be pooped on when I’m getting out of my wedding car to walk into the church. Or on the journey to the most important interview of my life. Perhaps even when I’m a famous millionaire celebrity walking down the red carpet. It’s bound to happen at some point, so when will it be?

Sam and I were sat out the back of my house with a cigarette a few weeks back and he was so so close to being pooped on. A few times I’ve seen a bird do it and it’s landed very close. But what are the chances it will actually land on my face? And what if it was to go in your eye? Blinded by bird do-do. Not really a story to tell the grandchildren.

Hmm…

Especially when it’s all your fault.

Update: So er.. sorted things through. Still not great. Having a month apart. Time for me to move into my new place. I think this is the best though. Time to myself, to sort my own life out =) Not easy to juggle so much at once.

Other things are generally still pretty crappy. Not been feeling too great the past few weeks but pulling along as normal. Money is very tight and I’ve been living off 8p noodles again, but food is food and I even managed to scrape enough to treat myself to a Chinese dinner tonight!

You may be shocked to know that I also join a gym. Sam paid for my membership and well… best choice I’ve ever made I think! I just want to tone up a little, get back into the small clothes I used to wear. I’m not far off, they’re just a bit tight on the thighs/bum. My top half is still small though my arms are pretty flabby haha But I start as I mean to go on and this diet is the best I’ve been on in a while.

Anyway this was just a quick update as it’s 4am and I’m not really up to typing a whole essay out about how boring and uneventful my life has been the past few weeks. So I’ll stop here and let you get on. But yeah.. I’m still around. Just been a little quiet recently

I went away last week to spend time at my mum’s in Somerset. Living here with no family can be hard plus Sam and I went on a short break to sort our heads out with what happened and other issues that were constantly popping up, so being away helped a lot. I rekindled my relationship with my sister. We didn’t talk for nearly a year and it hurt a lot to be so distant from eachother, but things are just like they used to be - perhaps better. She’s picking me up again on Saturday to spend the evening out and then Sunday my mum is throwing a family barbecue. It’s great to see my family together as one again. It’s never been as close as it is now. Obviously my dad still isn’t involved but my mum, sister and I can do just fine as we are.

As for other things, I’ve decided to start a new cleaning business in this new town. Not just yet. I’ll wait for the compensation money for my back to come through, then buy myself a car to get around. By then I should hopefully feel a lot better psychologically which means I can get back into bar work during the evenings and hopefully build myself a small cleaning client base, working up from there.

I’m also working on a victim support website for victims of rape and sexual assault. I’ll be setting up a forum for people to communicate and meet others who have been through the same. Survivor stories, general information and a personal support line where people can speak to me via messenger or email. I’ve bought the domain, just need to get everything together. I hope it’ll at least help others - even if my case doesn’t find justice.

Thanks again for the kind words. Also a quick plug for Verity. I’m hoping to recruit some new faces on our wonderful community And a very loving plug for BRITT who sent me a birthday CD with lots of songs with my name in it and various others, plus a gorgeous hand made CD cover and a sweet letter. She’s a very kind person and deserves lots of good things

I’m also pleased to say that things with Sam and I are 150% better than ever. He’s just like he used to be, all the tension is gone between us and it feels like old times. I’m much happier with him now and as always, he means the world to me.

I was raped on Thursday night / Friday morning. The man who did it had a wife, a child on the way. I don’t know him - don’t know anyone round here. But the police told me about him and it makes me sick. I had a full body examination, from internal swabs to dry swabs on my shoulders. Urine samples, a blood test, alcohol level tests. Doctors, police, sexual offence officers. Counsellors, support workers. I had to take off all my clothes and be exposed all over my body from my breasts to my lady parts. And it was the single most humiliating, terrifying experience of my life.

To know the process is this awful… this is why I’ve never reported an offence like this before. And the worst thing - they’re saying he could possibly get away with it as he’s told them it was consented sex and it’s his word against mine. Forensics will only prove that there was sex involved. I guess that means I’m putting myself through all this for nothing.

I’ve never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. And the worst part is that he’s been released on bail. What if he finds me? What if he hurts me? The police and laws are fucking ridiculous. I’ve not been given any sort of protection whatsoever. I’m scared of everything. The slightest noise makes my heart pound. I haven’t slept in nearly 72 hours. I’ve had one meal in three days. I can’t focus, can’t do anything to occupy myself.

And I have to tell my mum tomorrow. I wish someone could just help me deal with this. I wish I could speak to someone who understands. If he gets away with this.. how am I meant to cope? How will I ever be truely safe whilst living in this house. I’ll have to move again to solve that problem and it’s not like I can afford that. Any hopes of finding a new job right now are completely lost. I just wish someone would care… and help me through this. Everyone is being so weird with me. I feel like I did something wrong or like I deserved it all.

It’s even in the newspapers already. What the hell has happened to me..

So anyway, annoyed right now! It’s 4am and I should be going to sleep but I just lost out on Poker and made myself mad. Then I’ve got the TV on watching people bang on about “You slept with him and her and him, the baby isn’t mine!” and then find out they’re completely wrong. Then the TV asks me if I would like to perform my daily software upgrade. Would you like to perform the daily upgrade? No thank you Mr Freeview Box. Okay, I’ll do it anyway.

Seriously - what is the point of me stretching to pick up the damn remote, find the right button to say no to it but then it pops up again less than a minute later. Obviously you won’t let me rest until I damn well upgrade you so just do it - what’s the point in asking!?

It’s like when someone says “What would you like to do this evening? Eat or go for a drink?” You tell them you want to eat and they say, “Oh well I wanted to drink so we’ll do that instead yeah?” It’s like… why the hell did you ask me in the first place then? I know a few people I could mark guilty for that. Grrr… 4am makes me moody.

But if it’s any consolation, there are new things up all over the place. Check out each section, hundreds of pages have been added

Seeing him detereorate was horrible. I’d see the pain in my mum’s eyes and notice how hard she tried to keep his daughter looked after (she came to live with us when she was only a few months old) and how hard she tried to make him stop drinking. I remember the way he’d stumble home after being round his parents house with bottles upon bottles of cider. I remember the arguments and the tears he caused.

But it mostly sticks with me just how happy we all were, when he wasn’t drunk. Those times when he was able to control himself. I miss those. I try to talk to my mum about him sometimes, but she changes the subject before things get too much for us both. I hope that where ever he is, he’s happy. And I hope he knows I’m thinking of him always.