Lipstick solves all my problems. With everything that has happened recently, I feel half the person I used to be even though I’m probably almost an extra half in weight. Something goes wrong so I comfort eat. Then I feel bad that I’m such a disgusting pig so I eat more to make myself feel better. Just for a few minutes of security. I wonder what it is that makes so many people turn to food for a few moments of peace. What is it about the taste and texture of junk food that can make you feel like you’re chewing your worries away? I sometimes wonder if I’m just destined to be an obese middle-aged woman with no career or money prospects. I wonder, but I certainly don’t want it for myself.

My confidence has taken some serious beatings since I was a very little girl and this has never changed. My BMI tells me I’m not overweight but I see a different person in the mirror. There have been times that I’ve worked for months to build on my self-esteem, only to face another disappointment in life that throws me straight back down the ladder of happiness into the pits of despair. I’m desperately struggling for a way to stay at the top of this ladder. A harness that will keep me there without fail, no matter what difficulties fate brings my way.

Lipstick is like my war paint. I put it on so carefully keeping perfectly within the lines with a strong and steady hand, ready to face the world. The harsh red stain against a pale and worried face. It gives me strength in an unknown way. I hide behind a false smile and pretend everything is okay, but it’s not.In light of the recent news that my boyfriend might have cancer in his testicles. Well – let’s just say the lipstick will need to be replaced much more often than usual. I need to be strong for him now and leave my own issues to the side for a while. It’s hard with the thread of eviction and lack of an income. But it’s time to put my selfish reasons for feeling so down in a box with an impossible seal to break. It’s time I realised that this is my life and nobody can say anything that will make me feel like it’s not worth living because all I have to do is smile, nod and walk away.

And it’s times like this that I wish I had some sort of faith or religion. So I could pray for Sam, knowing that someone out there just might be listening to my cry for help. It’s hard to deal with your loved ones life changing troubles when you have so many of your own. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own.

Sam and I were having a really deep and interesting conversation about life and why/how we’re all here. We were giving our opinions on where we thought we’d go when we die and what we thought the point of life was. My theory is love. Everything is based on love. You don’t do something unless you like it, you don’t choose your partner unless you like them, you don’t marry someone unless you love them, you don’t study a career unless you enjoy it, you don’t spend thousands on a brand new car unless you love it.

To me, the point of life is to love everything you can, to appreciate everything you love and to enjoy everything and everyone that means something to you. I also think that the point of life varies to each individual. If someone is very career-minded and not so interested in having a family, the point of their life would be success. My opinion is that each person differs, nobody has to follow a set rule. So long as you’ve accomplished what you dreamed for when you die, I think you’ve lived life to the full - even if not the same way as the person next to you.

I was thinking about the things I find important in my life right now, based from a photography contest I started a while ago at VerityMB. I decided to take my own picture. The things I find most important, based on looking behind the picture and at the true meaning of each item. I’ll add an explanation below.

MOBILE PHONE. This is very important to me, keeping contact with friends and especially my mum. Communication is a big part of my life and not having anyone to call or just visit for a chat would ruin me.

MAGAZINES. I enjoy reading fashion and celebrity news, mainly to keep myself updated in the world but the other reason for the magazines is the fact that I absolutely love running this website with all my articles and news. I love writing and knowing that my articles can make a difference. This website is very important to me.

NOTEBOOK. So the writing pad is the same reaosn as above, though making the fact that I love to write and help others much more obvious.

MUSIC ALBUM. It didn’t really matter which album I put here. I love all music and it quite literally makes my world go round. My favourite songs are constantly in a loop of ever changing preferences and I couldn’t specify any one genre that I like best. Music is a huge part of my life and without it I’m not sure I’d cope so well.

PINK/RED. I used a lot of pink/red colours. Like the pen, music album, my phone. Romance and love is huge in my life. My boyfriend means the world to me, my mum - even more so! Without love, the world would be a ruined place. In my world, anyway.

MONEY. Of course everyone loves money. But in my life I’ve always struggled so hard with money, especially since I moved out at such a young age through no choice of my own. I’m still not financially stable and I won’t be for a long time, money has proved to be the devil to me but it’s still important. Without money I can’t eat, have a home, have a life. Without money I’d perish. It means a lot to me.

I’d say so - yes. So my friend, the one who beat me up severely last year and made me lose my amazingly well paid job as an accountant. Well he’s done it again. He visited this weekend, beat up someone who works at my hotel (because he wasn’t English - I won’t even go into the details or words said), I went to work on Monday and I lose my job - for being around yobs like him who jeopardise the reputation of the hotel.

So the whole perfect job, I’m so happy - blablabla.. post, two posts ago. Well yeah - you can forget that whole thing. I’m once again unemployed and stuck for where to go next. I move 63 miles away from the old town to start new, build myself a whole new life in just over a month and he comes to visit and ruins EVERYTHING.

He’s now officially blocked out of my life, for good. I gave him chance after chance. He’s messed up my fertility, cracked my cheekbone (my right check and side of nose is STILL numb all this time later), ruined two of the most important jobs of my life, kicked my confidence to the point where I felt like killing myself. And I let him get away with it all. Well not anymore.

I wish I was a low enough person to take revenge out on him - but I’m not. I’ve changed my number, MSN, blocked him from all friend networks online. I’m looking to move away again in a few months, just to get him out of my life for good. If he hasn’t got my home address he can’t find me.