So I visited “home” over the weekend, before I started work Monday. Put me behind on rent funds but it was well worth it. I saw my mum, my friends, my best friend.

One thing that really upsets me though - everyone seems to be getting pregnant. Ever since that incident a few months back and being told I may not be able to have children anymore… well it breaks my heart. Five of my close friends are pregnant or have just had a baby in the past month and it ripped my insides out having to see them. I’m so happy for them yet at the same time a huge jealous pain runs through me, right down to my toes.

All I can do is blame others. If Si wasn’t cheating on me, if my mum hadn’t forced me so hard, if my friends had been more supportive, I’d have never had that abortion at the age of 16. If my friend hadn’t got drunk and beaten the living daylights out of me, I’d not be told I couldn’t have children. If he had stayed at his own house that night or stopped drinking so much, I’d still be able to have the dreams of settling down and starting a beautiful family of my own.

I don’t know. Visiting home was lovely. But the memories it brought back along with the realisation that my friends are growing up and settling down with children - and leaving me behind - that really spoilt my mood. In a way, I wish I’d just stayed here and pretended I’d never lived there in the first place.

I kick myself every moment of my life, every time I see a child. If I’d only been stronger at the age of 16, even after being told I can’t have children now due to such a severe beating. At least I’d have one child. One person to love forever.

Better than having nothing at all. I’d swap everything I own right now for that chance. Not right now - but one day - to be a mum. It breaks my heart to think that might not be possible. I know there are other ways but.. well.. you know.

Blehh, sorry. Things on my mind. Needed to steam.

So you’re now reading the blog of an employee of the highest considered Hotel in the Bay. A hotel that I went for an interview expecting - if anything - to get bar work. 15 positions within the company, 73 applicants.

I got picked for the top job. There was one position open in reservations. And I got it. I’m going to be working on reception and reservations with a small team of three other people. I can’t believe I got the job. Of 73 people. I just…

I’m in so much shock. I don’t know what else to say.

I worked my ass off at that assessment to impress people. I stood up and made presentations, something I’d never ever do - because this was my dream job and I’d have done anything to get it.

This is proof boys and girls, that you can get anywhere if you set your mind to it.

I’m so so so happy. I’ve been crying for the past twenty minutes. So happy.