I’ve been in the police station for hours upon end giving video statements and written statements. Telling my story over and over again. This isn’t how I expected my first week of being 19 years old to turn out. I feel like my life is at a loose end right now, like there’s no escape from it all. Sam is being a strange around me, I still have yet to tell my mum, dad and my landlady is fussing around being so kind yet she’s told all her friends and family without my damn permission. I have nobody to look after me and I constantly feel like I just want to throw my life away for good.

I was raped on Thursday night / Friday morning. The man who did it had a wife, a child on the way. I don’t know him - don’t know anyone round here. But the police told me about him and it makes me sick. I had a full body examination, from internal swabs to dry swabs on my shoulders. Urine samples, a blood test, alcohol level tests. Doctors, police, sexual offence officers. Counsellors, support workers. I had to take off all my clothes and be exposed all over my body from my breasts to my lady parts. And it was the single most humiliating, terrifying experience of my life.

To know the process is this awful… this is why I’ve never reported an offence like this before. And the worst thing - they’re saying he could possibly get away with it as he’s told them it was consented sex and it’s his word against mine. Forensics will only prove that there was sex involved. I guess that means I’m putting myself through all this for nothing.

I’ve never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. And the worst part is that he’s been released on bail. What if he finds me? What if he hurts me? The police and laws are fucking ridiculous. I’ve not been given any sort of protection whatsoever. I’m scared of everything. The slightest noise makes my heart pound. I haven’t slept in nearly 72 hours. I’ve had one meal in three days. I can’t focus, can’t do anything to occupy myself.

And I have to tell my mum tomorrow. I wish someone could just help me deal with this. I wish I could speak to someone who understands. If he gets away with this.. how am I meant to cope? How will I ever be truely safe whilst living in this house. I’ll have to move again to solve that problem and it’s not like I can afford that. Any hopes of finding a new job right now are completely lost. I just wish someone would care… and help me through this. Everyone is being so weird with me. I feel like I did something wrong or like I deserved it all.

It’s even in the newspapers already. What the hell has happened to me..

So I had the most perfect Valentines Day. I loved everything he did for me. We started off at midnight as he stayed over on Wednesday so we could go into Valentines together. We laid there at midnight and described everything we liked about eachother. His list was endless - it almost made me cry.

In the morning we got up, went to the shop and he bought me breakfast. I sat on a bench and he said “Hang on - wait there.” and ran back to the shop. He came back with a bunch of flowers, aww

He went to the gym then home for a few hours and got dropped back into town at 9pm. I wore a sexy/smart black dress with a tight silver belt and my new shoes. He took me to an Indiant restaurant with the best service I’ve ever encountered and got me a helium balloon shaped as a heart. He then took me to a bar. I had a few glasses of wine, then we went back to mine and spent the night together again.

He’s lovely. So damn lovely Oh, and my presents:

So this new town I’m moving to - it’s 60 miles from where I am now. I visited today and put a deposit on a gorgeous victorian three bedroom house. It has three floors and the landlady has a gorgeous black labrador called Bruno. Adorable! She’s a lovely lady, so friendly and easy going. I’m looking forward to living there - much cosier than all the house shares I’ve been in put together.

I sent an online application form in to a club there aswell, a few days ago. They called and asked me to pop in when I was visiting the area, so as I went today to view the house I thought I’d go for the interview. They gave me the job on the spot - I start on the 1st Feb - brilliant! It’s only two nights a week, Friday and Saturday. But it’s a start and extra money on a weekend as I’ll not have much else to do. I’m still looking for a full time day job, but I’m sure there will be something soon

It would be much more helpful if I had a car still. But walking isn’t so bad, I should stop being so lazy! As for the extra cash I’ll have from not paying petrol/insurance etc, I’ll be able to save for something much nicer. Preferably a punto active. They are gorgeous - only £2000 on the auto trader. I say only - but it’s cheap for how new they are!

Aw well - money is such a hassle. I’m off to bed now, it’s only 7pm but I’m so pooped from the past few days. I’ve been very busy and had very little sleep, only about 5 hours in total over three days. Too much stress about how today would go.

Oh and before I go - almost forgot. My dad’s girlfriend has had her baby! Isabelle Rose, they called her. 7 pounds 1 Shame I’ll never get to see her, eh. Shame my dad is such an asshole when it comes to making an effort with his family. Just one more kid to be left without a true father by the time they’re 5 years old. Oh dear oh dear…

My Last Drink: Sat 8th December 2007 (?)

So I’m going to start seeing an alcohol counsellor and a regular psychologist about the stress and depressive state I’ve got myself into these past few weeks. The alcohol counsellor is due to the amount I drink on a weekend and during the week.

A woman is meant to have an intake of 14 alcohol units per week. Any more and it’s going over the recommended healthy lifestyle in regards to alcohol consumption. I sat with my doctor and worked out that I have a weekly intake of 107 units on average.

Now do you see why I need help?

So I ruin a lot of things due to alcohol. My personal health, relationships, friendships, family bonds, jobs, my confidence, stupid mistakes of one night stands and ridiculous arguments, wasting a lot of money, getting into debt, becoming dependant on alcohol to get me by, ruined all my school exams because of it when I was 16.

I think it’s time I put my foot down and stopped drinking. Not forever - but learning to drink in moderation, and not very often - maybe a few times a month. No more binge drinking or getting to the point where I don’t know what’s happening to me. No more random pints or glasses of vodka in the daytime or evenings alone when I’m bored. No more drinking for confidence.

From now on it’s lack of alcohol and lots of vegetables. In other words - I’m taking on board a completely new healthy lifestyle and it’s about time that I stuck to it too. This is not a New Year Resolution - they never work. This is for me, and only me. Not for anyone else.

Wish me luck.

So I found another job in a pub/club right in the town centre. It’s the sort of club people go to before hitting one of the bigger ones, so we aren’t normally overly busy all through the night, just for a few hours between around 8 and 11. I do dayshifts too, serving food and such. They’ve got me on around 50+ hours each week, which is ideal really. Exactly what I need. I’m enjoying myself though it can be very tiring and demanding. I don’t get a lot of time to myself anymore. Or a social life for that matter.

My mum gave me my Christmas present early yesterday. A new laptop - much much nicer than the one I had before. Hopefully this one won’t get stolen from my house. Though this new place is much nicer and the area is a lot quieter and more secure so I’m sure everything will be alright.

I’m lucky to have found this job, really. With rent coming up at the end of this week and debts falling out of my ass - I couldn’t afford to be jobless for long. Let’s hope this one will last - haha.