I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who posted a comment on my last entry. Your words were so kind and supportive, it really picked me up to know that people out there can understand. I must say the police really made me feel like I was the person in the wrong with this case. Like I asked for it in some way by being drunk and in a skirt. I could have been naked laying on a field and not deserved what happened, but some people can be harsh and unfortunately that’s the way the law stands. Which I personally think is awful. But there we go. I’ve yet to hear anymore about it. I also emailed the newspaper that printed the story with false statements and they took the article off the front page. Still yet to recieve an apology. I’m sure that won’t happen though.

I went away last week to spend time at my mum’s in Somerset. Living here with no family can be hard plus Sam and I went on a short break to sort our heads out with what happened and other issues that were constantly popping up, so being away helped a lot. I rekindled my relationship with my sister. We didn’t talk for nearly a year and it hurt a lot to be so distant from eachother, but things are just like they used to be - perhaps better. She’s picking me up again on Saturday to spend the evening out and then Sunday my mum is throwing a family barbecue. It’s great to see my family together as one again. It’s never been as close as it is now. Obviously my dad still isn’t involved but my mum, sister and I can do just fine as we are.

As for other things, I’ve decided to start a new cleaning business in this new town. Not just yet. I’ll wait for the compensation money for my back to come through, then buy myself a car to get around. By then I should hopefully feel a lot better psychologically which means I can get back into bar work during the evenings and hopefully build myself a small cleaning client base, working up from there.

I’m also working on a victim support website for victims of rape and sexual assault. I’ll be setting up a forum for people to communicate and meet others who have been through the same. Survivor stories, general information and a personal support line where people can speak to me via messenger or email. I’ve bought the domain, just need to get everything together. I hope it’ll at least help others - even if my case doesn’t find justice.

Thanks again for the kind words. Also a quick plug for Verity. I’m hoping to recruit some new faces on our wonderful community And a very loving plug for BRITT who sent me a birthday CD with lots of songs with my name in it and various others, plus a gorgeous hand made CD cover and a sweet letter. She’s a very kind person and deserves lots of good things

I’m also pleased to say that things with Sam and I are 150% better than ever. He’s just like he used to be, all the tension is gone between us and it feels like old times. I’m much happier with him now and as always, he means the world to me.

I’ve been in the police station for hours upon end giving video statements and written statements. Telling my story over and over again. This isn’t how I expected my first week of being 19 years old to turn out. I feel like my life is at a loose end right now, like there’s no escape from it all. Sam is being a strange around me, I still have yet to tell my mum, dad and my landlady is fussing around being so kind yet she’s told all her friends and family without my damn permission. I have nobody to look after me and I constantly feel like I just want to throw my life away for good.

I was raped on Thursday night / Friday morning. The man who did it had a wife, a child on the way. I don’t know him - don’t know anyone round here. But the police told me about him and it makes me sick. I had a full body examination, from internal swabs to dry swabs on my shoulders. Urine samples, a blood test, alcohol level tests. Doctors, police, sexual offence officers. Counsellors, support workers. I had to take off all my clothes and be exposed all over my body from my breasts to my lady parts. And it was the single most humiliating, terrifying experience of my life.

To know the process is this awful… this is why I’ve never reported an offence like this before. And the worst thing - they’re saying he could possibly get away with it as he’s told them it was consented sex and it’s his word against mine. Forensics will only prove that there was sex involved. I guess that means I’m putting myself through all this for nothing.

I’ve never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. And the worst part is that he’s been released on bail. What if he finds me? What if he hurts me? The police and laws are fucking ridiculous. I’ve not been given any sort of protection whatsoever. I’m scared of everything. The slightest noise makes my heart pound. I haven’t slept in nearly 72 hours. I’ve had one meal in three days. I can’t focus, can’t do anything to occupy myself.

And I have to tell my mum tomorrow. I wish someone could just help me deal with this. I wish I could speak to someone who understands. If he gets away with this.. how am I meant to cope? How will I ever be truely safe whilst living in this house. I’ll have to move again to solve that problem and it’s not like I can afford that. Any hopes of finding a new job right now are completely lost. I just wish someone would care… and help me through this. Everyone is being so weird with me. I feel like I did something wrong or like I deserved it all.

It’s even in the newspapers already. What the hell has happened to me..

I’d say so - yes. So my friend, the one who beat me up severely last year and made me lose my amazingly well paid job as an accountant. Well he’s done it again. He visited this weekend, beat up someone who works at my hotel (because he wasn’t English - I won’t even go into the details or words said), I went to work on Monday and I lose my job - for being around yobs like him who jeopardise the reputation of the hotel.

So the whole perfect job, I’m so happy - blablabla.. post, two posts ago. Well yeah - you can forget that whole thing. I’m once again unemployed and stuck for where to go next. I move 63 miles away from the old town to start new, build myself a whole new life in just over a month and he comes to visit and ruins EVERYTHING.

He’s now officially blocked out of my life, for good. I gave him chance after chance. He’s messed up my fertility, cracked my cheekbone (my right check and side of nose is STILL numb all this time later), ruined two of the most important jobs of my life, kicked my confidence to the point where I felt like killing myself. And I let him get away with it all. Well not anymore.

I wish I was a low enough person to take revenge out on him - but I’m not. I’ve changed my number, MSN, blocked him from all friend networks online. I’m looking to move away again in a few months, just to get him out of my life for good. If he hasn’t got my home address he can’t find me.

…and having an amazing time. I am so pleased that I decided on this new move. Everything has fallen into place perfectly. The two ladies I’m living with are the nicest people I’ve met in a very very long time. The guy I was chatting to from this town is gorgeous and such a sweetheart, he’s shown me all around the place and well… who knows what could come of it! I’ve found a part time job and a full time job is looking very promising over the next week. Tamsin (the younger housemate) is letting me buy her car from her over installments so I’ll have that sorted very soon.

I’m so pleased that all has turned out well. My debts are still piling up and money is extremely tight, but with a job and an awful lot of hard work that can all be fixed. I’m so happy to have finally found somewhere I enjoy living. I feel so lucky to be me right now, and that’s a very odd thing for me to feel. Give it a few months and I’ll wish I never knew my old life in the old town.

I just miss my mum and my best friend, a lot. But… it’ll be okay

I’m not moving away to this new town on the 25th anymore. No no, in fact I’m leaving in three days. Saturday morning I’ll be throwing my stuff into the back of my mum’s mondeo and venturing off toward my new life. Of course I’ll be back two hours later to pick up more stuff haha, but once it’s all there - that’s it. I’m excited but frightened at the same time. I’ve yet to find a full time job still and only have weekend work in a nightclub for the minute - but plan to call as many bars and hotels as I can for full time work. Let’s hope it all goes well. If not I’ll look into my administration quialifications and see if any reception or admin work is going - though I’d much prefer to be in the bar trade. Still - I can always change jobs

I’ve been speaking to a guy from that town on MSN for weeks now, we talk for hours and hours upon end about useless nothings. He’s a really sweet guy and has promised to show me around the town. Plus my new landlady called me and told me she’s more than happy to drive me around and pick me up at 3am when I finish working in the clubs on the weekends. Now how generous is that? It’s so lovely to know I’ll finally have two new housemates that aren’t complete tossers.

As for online related things. I’ve updated a lot on this site and added new pages here and there. If you check the menu on “Recent Updates” you’ll see I’ve added two new sections and lots of subpages elsewhere. Hope that keeps you busy for a while

Take care x I’ll probably blog next either just before I go or when I’m already there! Working my last shift at the bar tomorrow and then Friday night is my leaving do. Very exciting, very emotional. I’ll miss my friends something rotten. But a new start is the best thing I could ever choose to do.