Okay I’ve been thinking the past few days about how many birds fly above your head in your lifetime. So surely you have a huge chance of at least once, being pooped on? Don’t you think?

Knowing my general luck it’s quite likely that I’ll be pooped on when I’m getting out of my wedding car to walk into the church. Or on the journey to the most important interview of my life. Perhaps even when I’m a famous millionaire celebrity walking down the red carpet. It’s bound to happen at some point, so when will it be?

Sam and I were sat out the back of my house with a cigarette a few weeks back and he was so so close to being pooped on. A few times I’ve seen a bird do it and it’s landed very close. But what are the chances it will actually land on my face? And what if it was to go in your eye? Blinded by bird do-do. Not really a story to tell the grandchildren.

Hmm…

I forgot to mention that Blossom died on the weekend. Saturday morning I found her. She was only like 7 days in my care and I did everything to keep her comfortable. It doesn’t seem right, but there we go. RIP Blossom Awww… poor hamster.

So anyway, annoyed right now! It’s 4am and I should be going to sleep but I just lost out on Poker and made myself mad. Then I’ve got the TV on watching people bang on about “You slept with him and her and him, the baby isn’t mine!” and then find out they’re completely wrong. Then the TV asks me if I would like to perform my daily software upgrade. Would you like to perform the daily upgrade? No thank you Mr Freeview Box. Okay, I’ll do it anyway.

Seriously - what is the point of me stretching to pick up the damn remote, find the right button to say no to it but then it pops up again less than a minute later. Obviously you won’t let me rest until I damn well upgrade you so just do it - what’s the point in asking!?

It’s like when someone says “What would you like to do this evening? Eat or go for a drink?” You tell them you want to eat and they say, “Oh well I wanted to drink so we’ll do that instead yeah?” It’s like… why the hell did you ask me in the first place then? I know a few people I could mark guilty for that. Grrr… 4am makes me moody.

But if it’s any consolation, there are new things up all over the place. Check out each section, hundreds of pages have been added

Lipstick solves all my problems. With everything that has happened recently, I feel half the person I used to be even though I’m probably almost an extra half in weight. Something goes wrong so I comfort eat. Then I feel bad that I’m such a disgusting pig so I eat more to make myself feel better. Just for a few minutes of security. I wonder what it is that makes so many people turn to food for a few moments of peace. What is it about the taste and texture of junk food that can make you feel like you’re chewing your worries away? I sometimes wonder if I’m just destined to be an obese middle-aged woman with no career or money prospects. I wonder, but I certainly don’t want it for myself.

My confidence has taken some serious beatings since I was a very little girl and this has never changed. My BMI tells me I’m not overweight but I see a different person in the mirror. There have been times that I’ve worked for months to build on my self-esteem, only to face another disappointment in life that throws me straight back down the ladder of happiness into the pits of despair. I’m desperately struggling for a way to stay at the top of this ladder. A harness that will keep me there without fail, no matter what difficulties fate brings my way.

Lipstick is like my war paint. I put it on so carefully keeping perfectly within the lines with a strong and steady hand, ready to face the world. The harsh red stain against a pale and worried face. It gives me strength in an unknown way. I hide behind a false smile and pretend everything is okay, but it’s not.In light of the recent news that my boyfriend might have cancer in his testicles. Well – let’s just say the lipstick will need to be replaced much more often than usual. I need to be strong for him now and leave my own issues to the side for a while. It’s hard with the thread of eviction and lack of an income. But it’s time to put my selfish reasons for feeling so down in a box with an impossible seal to break. It’s time I realised that this is my life and nobody can say anything that will make me feel like it’s not worth living because all I have to do is smile, nod and walk away.

And it’s times like this that I wish I had some sort of faith or religion. So I could pray for Sam, knowing that someone out there just might be listening to my cry for help. It’s hard to deal with your loved ones life changing troubles when you have so many of your own. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own.

I’d say so - yes. So my friend, the one who beat me up severely last year and made me lose my amazingly well paid job as an accountant. Well he’s done it again. He visited this weekend, beat up someone who works at my hotel (because he wasn’t English - I won’t even go into the details or words said), I went to work on Monday and I lose my job - for being around yobs like him who jeopardise the reputation of the hotel.

So the whole perfect job, I’m so happy - blablabla.. post, two posts ago. Well yeah - you can forget that whole thing. I’m once again unemployed and stuck for where to go next. I move 63 miles away from the old town to start new, build myself a whole new life in just over a month and he comes to visit and ruins EVERYTHING.

He’s now officially blocked out of my life, for good. I gave him chance after chance. He’s messed up my fertility, cracked my cheekbone (my right check and side of nose is STILL numb all this time later), ruined two of the most important jobs of my life, kicked my confidence to the point where I felt like killing myself. And I let him get away with it all. Well not anymore.

I wish I was a low enough person to take revenge out on him - but I’m not. I’ve changed my number, MSN, blocked him from all friend networks online. I’m looking to move away again in a few months, just to get him out of my life for good. If he hasn’t got my home address he can’t find me.

So I visited “home” over the weekend, before I started work Monday. Put me behind on rent funds but it was well worth it. I saw my mum, my friends, my best friend.

One thing that really upsets me though - everyone seems to be getting pregnant. Ever since that incident a few months back and being told I may not be able to have children anymore… well it breaks my heart. Five of my close friends are pregnant or have just had a baby in the past month and it ripped my insides out having to see them. I’m so happy for them yet at the same time a huge jealous pain runs through me, right down to my toes.

All I can do is blame others. If Si wasn’t cheating on me, if my mum hadn’t forced me so hard, if my friends had been more supportive, I’d have never had that abortion at the age of 16. If my friend hadn’t got drunk and beaten the living daylights out of me, I’d not be told I couldn’t have children. If he had stayed at his own house that night or stopped drinking so much, I’d still be able to have the dreams of settling down and starting a beautiful family of my own.

I don’t know. Visiting home was lovely. But the memories it brought back along with the realisation that my friends are growing up and settling down with children - and leaving me behind - that really spoilt my mood. In a way, I wish I’d just stayed here and pretended I’d never lived there in the first place.

I kick myself every moment of my life, every time I see a child. If I’d only been stronger at the age of 16, even after being told I can’t have children now due to such a severe beating. At least I’d have one child. One person to love forever.

Better than having nothing at all. I’d swap everything I own right now for that chance. Not right now - but one day - to be a mum. It breaks my heart to think that might not be possible. I know there are other ways but.. well.. you know.

Blehh, sorry. Things on my mind. Needed to steam.