Yeah. The end of a relationship is the hardest thing to deal with. Especially when it’s someone you planned to spend your life with.

Especially when it’s all your fault.

Update: So er.. sorted things through. Still not great. Having a month apart. Time for me to move into my new place. I think this is the best though. Time to myself, to sort my own life out =) Not easy to juggle so much at once.

I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who posted a comment on my last entry. Your words were so kind and supportive, it really picked me up to know that people out there can understand. I must say the police really made me feel like I was the person in the wrong with this case. Like I asked for it in some way by being drunk and in a skirt. I could have been naked laying on a field and not deserved what happened, but some people can be harsh and unfortunately that’s the way the law stands. Which I personally think is awful. But there we go. I’ve yet to hear anymore about it. I also emailed the newspaper that printed the story with false statements and they took the article off the front page. Still yet to recieve an apology. I’m sure that won’t happen though.

I went away last week to spend time at my mum’s in Somerset. Living here with no family can be hard plus Sam and I went on a short break to sort our heads out with what happened and other issues that were constantly popping up, so being away helped a lot. I rekindled my relationship with my sister. We didn’t talk for nearly a year and it hurt a lot to be so distant from eachother, but things are just like they used to be - perhaps better. She’s picking me up again on Saturday to spend the evening out and then Sunday my mum is throwing a family barbecue. It’s great to see my family together as one again. It’s never been as close as it is now. Obviously my dad still isn’t involved but my mum, sister and I can do just fine as we are.

As for other things, I’ve decided to start a new cleaning business in this new town. Not just yet. I’ll wait for the compensation money for my back to come through, then buy myself a car to get around. By then I should hopefully feel a lot better psychologically which means I can get back into bar work during the evenings and hopefully build myself a small cleaning client base, working up from there.

I’m also working on a victim support website for victims of rape and sexual assault. I’ll be setting up a forum for people to communicate and meet others who have been through the same. Survivor stories, general information and a personal support line where people can speak to me via messenger or email. I’ve bought the domain, just need to get everything together. I hope it’ll at least help others - even if my case doesn’t find justice.

Thanks again for the kind words. Also a quick plug for Verity. I’m hoping to recruit some new faces on our wonderful community And a very loving plug for BRITT who sent me a birthday CD with lots of songs with my name in it and various others, plus a gorgeous hand made CD cover and a sweet letter. She’s a very kind person and deserves lots of good things

I’m also pleased to say that things with Sam and I are 150% better than ever. He’s just like he used to be, all the tension is gone between us and it feels like old times. I’m much happier with him now and as always, he means the world to me.

Okay so I’ve been pretty busy lately. I went to visit my granma in London with my mum for a week, resulting in a car accident, two collisions with a drink driver and a very bad case of whiplash. The bright side being that I can claim high compensation which should come through in a few months. The dark side being that I’ve spent most of my time laid in bed complaining about the aches and pains shooting through my neck and spine. But apart from that - there isn’t much to moan about.

If you live alone and can’t stand shopping for food, I suggest ordering online. I ordered my shopping from ASDA with a £5 delivery charge and had around 2 months worth of shopping sent to me. Can’t complain about that, considering I can only carry three or four small bags each time I visit there and the train costs about £4 for a return ticket. But the best thing was that they accidently gave me two extra bags full of items. Now I’m not one to admit mistakes when they’re in my favour, so for dinner tonight I enjoyed a tasty Piri Piri Chicken microwave meal that wasn’t even on my list. Fantastic!

As you can see all the articles have been removed from this site. This will now be a personal/tutorial/graphic site only. My blog will stay here. Articles are on a new teen fashion, celebrity & article based website I’ve been putting together over the past week or so. Once all is up and running smoothly I shall share the link.

And the best news of all is that Sam’s lump was not cancer. Just an abnormal cyst. What a relief that brought for everyone. Thank you for your supportive comments on the last blog though, it did mean an awful lot to us both

Lipstick solves all my problems. With everything that has happened recently, I feel half the person I used to be even though I’m probably almost an extra half in weight. Something goes wrong so I comfort eat. Then I feel bad that I’m such a disgusting pig so I eat more to make myself feel better. Just for a few minutes of security. I wonder what it is that makes so many people turn to food for a few moments of peace. What is it about the taste and texture of junk food that can make you feel like you’re chewing your worries away? I sometimes wonder if I’m just destined to be an obese middle-aged woman with no career or money prospects. I wonder, but I certainly don’t want it for myself.

My confidence has taken some serious beatings since I was a very little girl and this has never changed. My BMI tells me I’m not overweight but I see a different person in the mirror. There have been times that I’ve worked for months to build on my self-esteem, only to face another disappointment in life that throws me straight back down the ladder of happiness into the pits of despair. I’m desperately struggling for a way to stay at the top of this ladder. A harness that will keep me there without fail, no matter what difficulties fate brings my way.

Lipstick is like my war paint. I put it on so carefully keeping perfectly within the lines with a strong and steady hand, ready to face the world. The harsh red stain against a pale and worried face. It gives me strength in an unknown way. I hide behind a false smile and pretend everything is okay, but it’s not.In light of the recent news that my boyfriend might have cancer in his testicles. Well – let’s just say the lipstick will need to be replaced much more often than usual. I need to be strong for him now and leave my own issues to the side for a while. It’s hard with the thread of eviction and lack of an income. But it’s time to put my selfish reasons for feeling so down in a box with an impossible seal to break. It’s time I realised that this is my life and nobody can say anything that will make me feel like it’s not worth living because all I have to do is smile, nod and walk away.

And it’s times like this that I wish I had some sort of faith or religion. So I could pray for Sam, knowing that someone out there just might be listening to my cry for help. It’s hard to deal with your loved ones life changing troubles when you have so many of your own. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own.

So I had the most perfect Valentines Day. I loved everything he did for me. We started off at midnight as he stayed over on Wednesday so we could go into Valentines together. We laid there at midnight and described everything we liked about eachother. His list was endless - it almost made me cry.

In the morning we got up, went to the shop and he bought me breakfast. I sat on a bench and he said “Hang on - wait there.” and ran back to the shop. He came back with a bunch of flowers, aww

He went to the gym then home for a few hours and got dropped back into town at 9pm. I wore a sexy/smart black dress with a tight silver belt and my new shoes. He took me to an Indiant restaurant with the best service I’ve ever encountered and got me a helium balloon shaped as a heart. He then took me to a bar. I had a few glasses of wine, then we went back to mine and spent the night together again.

He’s lovely. So damn lovely Oh, and my presents: