So my other post I was feeling pretty down about the lack of having a father on Father’s Day. But yesterday something else got me thinking. I visited back to Somerset for a week and was chatting to my sister about how our mum has never really been very sympathetic. We were never brought up with the whole “Are you okay?” attitude. If we fell over, it was our own silly fault. When someone crashed into me and tipped my car over last year, it was my own silly fault for having a car. If something bad happens, we’re never really comforted as much as I’d like.

I think it hurts me a lot more than my sister, but I really never have had a family. I’ve got a mum, a dad. But they’re just.. parents, you know? Dad was never around my whole life, mum brought me up and fought hard for us to have a home but she’s never really done mumsy stuff with me. My whole family ignore me, I don’t have contact with any of them unless they want something from me. And my mum threw me out at age seventeen.

Being seventeen years old and not having a home is awful. Especially when it was simply because I quit my job with my sister because I wanted to focus on college and have a bit more of a social life. I’ve never hurt my mum or done anything terrible to her. I wasn’t on drugs, I didn’t come home every night pissed as a fart and shout the house down. I was a normal teenage girl who wanted to do more than go to college 20 hours a week and work for an extra 30 hours.

So it raises the question, would you ever make your children homeless? Could you do it? Not knowing if they’re going to be safe? What would your child have to do to make you feel that way? Is a child just until the age of 16-18 or should you be responsible for them forever?

I’m just curious what your guys opinions might be.

Well yeah. Fathers Day has never been a big thing to me. Mothers Day I used to go all out with goodies and breakfast in the mornings. When I lived with my mum I would try to help out as much as I could be bothered too (yes, I was a lazy child, hah). But Father Day.. well. Hmmm. My dad has never really been around. I might see him once or twice a year. Since I moved out last June I haven’t seen him at all since. It’s over a year now since I spoke to him face to face and our last physical conversation was a huge argument. Since then it’s been an awkward phonecall here and there. Nothing too special. Maybe once every three or four months I’ll call him for ten minutes. But he’s never called me.

It makes me wonder.. with the track record of a lot of father’s nowadays. How many kids or teens and even adults are out there who still celebrate this day anymore. With so many single mother’s struggling to be both parents for their child(ren). It does make me wonder. And it’s a shame really, that the world is like that. It’s a shame that people don’t fall in love without the cheating and lies. If you have children and marry.. you promise to stay faithful and true to that person.

Sure sometimes people just fall out of love, they grow apart over time. But when the father doesn’t hang around and keep in touch with the children. Well that part just hurts. It really hurts to think that my father produced my sister and I plus another two girls somewhere else and doesn’t make a single effort to care. He doesn’t even know how old I am. My birthday in April, he wasn’t sure if what age to write on the card and had to ask my Auntie for the answer.

So yes.. bit of a rant there, hehe. But still.. it would be nice to have a father figure. But I don’t. So he doesn’t deserve a card

It’s been eight years today since my stepfather, Sean died. He passed away from chronic alcoholism, knew he was going to die but chose not to change his ways. Still, eight years on I miss him. He meant the world to me, after never really having my real dad around - it was amazing to have a fatherly figure, doing family stuff with him. He bought me an expensive bicycle and would take me out on it, even though I often fell off and hurt myself.

Seeing him detereorate was horrible. I’d see the pain in my mum’s eyes and notice how hard she tried to keep his daughter looked after (she came to live with us when she was only a few months old) and how hard she tried to make him stop drinking. I remember the way he’d stumble home after being round his parents house with bottles upon bottles of cider. I remember the arguments and the tears he caused.

But it mostly sticks with me just how happy we all were, when he wasn’t drunk. Those times when he was able to control himself. I miss those. I try to talk to my mum about him sometimes, but she changes the subject before things get too much for us both. I hope that where ever he is, he’s happy. And I hope he knows I’m thinking of him always.

So I started an online “magazine” type of site, designed to give advice and the latest gossip to teens all around the world. It contains the articles that used to feature on Dusted Petals plus a whole lot more. The site is located at Smoochable.ORG, go see!

So a few things. Blossom, the new hamster has settled in. She keeps me up all night unlike Mr Ham, he was too fat to do anything much, hah. I’ve booked a hair appointment too, for highlights and a cut. Not had it trimmed since last October so as you can imagine it’s getting a little out of control. I booked it for Tuesday so I can go away on the Friday with my new do.

I’ll be travelling back to Somerset next Friday to celebrate my birthday (on the 29th April). I’m meeting with my best friend back from school, we haven’t caught up in years so it’s going to be great. We’ll probably shop in the day and go to a few clubs on the Saturday night. Tuesday I’ll be back in Devon for my birthday.

Also - I’ve decided to go back to College in September but it’ll be in Somerset where I used to go to college, so I’ll need to save for a car plus the course fees by September. I’m being tight with my money but it’ll be worth it in the end. Also - the compensation money I get from the car accident will help a lot, whatever amount it turns out to be. So wish me luck with that! I’ll need around £3500 altogether, to buy a car and pay the insurance off for a year plus around £900 course fees, possibly more.

Sam better get me something nice, hehe

So I visited “home” over the weekend, before I started work Monday. Put me behind on rent funds but it was well worth it. I saw my mum, my friends, my best friend.

One thing that really upsets me though - everyone seems to be getting pregnant. Ever since that incident a few months back and being told I may not be able to have children anymore… well it breaks my heart. Five of my close friends are pregnant or have just had a baby in the past month and it ripped my insides out having to see them. I’m so happy for them yet at the same time a huge jealous pain runs through me, right down to my toes.

All I can do is blame others. If Si wasn’t cheating on me, if my mum hadn’t forced me so hard, if my friends had been more supportive, I’d have never had that abortion at the age of 16. If my friend hadn’t got drunk and beaten the living daylights out of me, I’d not be told I couldn’t have children. If he had stayed at his own house that night or stopped drinking so much, I’d still be able to have the dreams of settling down and starting a beautiful family of my own.

I don’t know. Visiting home was lovely. But the memories it brought back along with the realisation that my friends are growing up and settling down with children - and leaving me behind - that really spoilt my mood. In a way, I wish I’d just stayed here and pretended I’d never lived there in the first place.

I kick myself every moment of my life, every time I see a child. If I’d only been stronger at the age of 16, even after being told I can’t have children now due to such a severe beating. At least I’d have one child. One person to love forever.

Better than having nothing at all. I’d swap everything I own right now for that chance. Not right now - but one day - to be a mum. It breaks my heart to think that might not be possible. I know there are other ways but.. well.. you know.

Blehh, sorry. Things on my mind. Needed to steam.