So my other post I was feeling pretty down about the lack of having a father on Father’s Day. But yesterday something else got me thinking. I visited back to Somerset for a week and was chatting to my sister about how our mum has never really been very sympathetic. We were never brought up with the whole “Are you okay?” attitude. If we fell over, it was our own silly fault. When someone crashed into me and tipped my car over last year, it was my own silly fault for having a car. If something bad happens, we’re never really comforted as much as I’d like.

I think it hurts me a lot more than my sister, but I really never have had a family. I’ve got a mum, a dad. But they’re just.. parents, you know? Dad was never around my whole life, mum brought me up and fought hard for us to have a home but she’s never really done mumsy stuff with me. My whole family ignore me, I don’t have contact with any of them unless they want something from me. And my mum threw me out at age seventeen.

Being seventeen years old and not having a home is awful. Especially when it was simply because I quit my job with my sister because I wanted to focus on college and have a bit more of a social life. I’ve never hurt my mum or done anything terrible to her. I wasn’t on drugs, I didn’t come home every night pissed as a fart and shout the house down. I was a normal teenage girl who wanted to do more than go to college 20 hours a week and work for an extra 30 hours.

So it raises the question, would you ever make your children homeless? Could you do it? Not knowing if they’re going to be safe? What would your child have to do to make you feel that way? Is a child just until the age of 16-18 or should you be responsible for them forever?

I’m just curious what your guys opinions might be.

Well yeah. Fathers Day has never been a big thing to me. Mothers Day I used to go all out with goodies and breakfast in the mornings. When I lived with my mum I would try to help out as much as I could be bothered too (yes, I was a lazy child, hah). But Father Day.. well. Hmmm. My dad has never really been around. I might see him once or twice a year. Since I moved out last June I haven’t seen him at all since. It’s over a year now since I spoke to him face to face and our last physical conversation was a huge argument. Since then it’s been an awkward phonecall here and there. Nothing too special. Maybe once every three or four months I’ll call him for ten minutes. But he’s never called me.

It makes me wonder.. with the track record of a lot of father’s nowadays. How many kids or teens and even adults are out there who still celebrate this day anymore. With so many single mother’s struggling to be both parents for their child(ren). It does make me wonder. And it’s a shame really, that the world is like that. It’s a shame that people don’t fall in love without the cheating and lies. If you have children and marry.. you promise to stay faithful and true to that person.

Sure sometimes people just fall out of love, they grow apart over time. But when the father doesn’t hang around and keep in touch with the children. Well that part just hurts. It really hurts to think that my father produced my sister and I plus another two girls somewhere else and doesn’t make a single effort to care. He doesn’t even know how old I am. My birthday in April, he wasn’t sure if what age to write on the card and had to ask my Auntie for the answer.

So yes.. bit of a rant there, hehe. But still.. it would be nice to have a father figure. But I don’t. So he doesn’t deserve a card

I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who posted a comment on my last entry. Your words were so kind and supportive, it really picked me up to know that people out there can understand. I must say the police really made me feel like I was the person in the wrong with this case. Like I asked for it in some way by being drunk and in a skirt. I could have been naked laying on a field and not deserved what happened, but some people can be harsh and unfortunately that’s the way the law stands. Which I personally think is awful. But there we go. I’ve yet to hear anymore about it. I also emailed the newspaper that printed the story with false statements and they took the article off the front page. Still yet to recieve an apology. I’m sure that won’t happen though.

I went away last week to spend time at my mum’s in Somerset. Living here with no family can be hard plus Sam and I went on a short break to sort our heads out with what happened and other issues that were constantly popping up, so being away helped a lot. I rekindled my relationship with my sister. We didn’t talk for nearly a year and it hurt a lot to be so distant from eachother, but things are just like they used to be - perhaps better. She’s picking me up again on Saturday to spend the evening out and then Sunday my mum is throwing a family barbecue. It’s great to see my family together as one again. It’s never been as close as it is now. Obviously my dad still isn’t involved but my mum, sister and I can do just fine as we are.

As for other things, I’ve decided to start a new cleaning business in this new town. Not just yet. I’ll wait for the compensation money for my back to come through, then buy myself a car to get around. By then I should hopefully feel a lot better psychologically which means I can get back into bar work during the evenings and hopefully build myself a small cleaning client base, working up from there.

I’m also working on a victim support website for victims of rape and sexual assault. I’ll be setting up a forum for people to communicate and meet others who have been through the same. Survivor stories, general information and a personal support line where people can speak to me via messenger or email. I’ve bought the domain, just need to get everything together. I hope it’ll at least help others - even if my case doesn’t find justice.

Thanks again for the kind words. Also a quick plug for Verity. I’m hoping to recruit some new faces on our wonderful community And a very loving plug for BRITT who sent me a birthday CD with lots of songs with my name in it and various others, plus a gorgeous hand made CD cover and a sweet letter. She’s a very kind person and deserves lots of good things

I’m also pleased to say that things with Sam and I are 150% better than ever. He’s just like he used to be, all the tension is gone between us and it feels like old times. I’m much happier with him now and as always, he means the world to me.

It’s been eight years today since my stepfather, Sean died. He passed away from chronic alcoholism, knew he was going to die but chose not to change his ways. Still, eight years on I miss him. He meant the world to me, after never really having my real dad around - it was amazing to have a fatherly figure, doing family stuff with him. He bought me an expensive bicycle and would take me out on it, even though I often fell off and hurt myself.

Seeing him detereorate was horrible. I’d see the pain in my mum’s eyes and notice how hard she tried to keep his daughter looked after (she came to live with us when she was only a few months old) and how hard she tried to make him stop drinking. I remember the way he’d stumble home after being round his parents house with bottles upon bottles of cider. I remember the arguments and the tears he caused.

But it mostly sticks with me just how happy we all were, when he wasn’t drunk. Those times when he was able to control himself. I miss those. I try to talk to my mum about him sometimes, but she changes the subject before things get too much for us both. I hope that where ever he is, he’s happy. And I hope he knows I’m thinking of him always.

So after Mr Ham passed away at the dear old age of 2 years and 3 months, Sam was sweet to buy me a new hamster. I wanted the russian dwarf, so fluffy and adorable but the lady in the store pretty much pushed the chinese dwarf onto me instead. I don’t mind though, I’ve had lots of them before and if you treat them well they can be so sweet.

I named her Blossom - she’s so small and pretty, very friendly too - just sits on my hand for ages and eats carrots It’s nice to have a new pet, I was lonely without Mr Ham. Yeah, I’m a little odd. I talk to my hamsters. But still - for as long as I’m house sharing I can’t have a kitten or puppy so have to settle for the smaller creatures. Still, she’s nice

Britt has a new layout up. It’s very summery, go check her out. She’s been a great help these past years. Always there to give me advice and support through the rough times. Also, a special plug to Kristi and Jis for being the amazing people that they are. It’s nice having people to talk to online. Sometimes just talking to Sam and myself (I told you - I’m not normal haha) can be lonely. It will be nice to start working again and make some friends in this new town.

I’ve also been looking into going back to college plus dieting my ass off for my birthday in two weeks. And pushing my claim for compensation since the car accident with my mum when I went to London. Whiplash is painful and I’ve been suffering a lot from it. So some comp’ money would be nice. So anyway - have a good weekend!