Life Is Hell Right Now
May 3, 2008 || Filed under general, starting fresh ||
I’ve been in the police station for hours upon end giving video statements and written statements. Telling my story over and over again. This isn’t how I expected my first week of being 19 years old to turn out. I feel like my life is at a loose end right now, like there’s no escape from it all. Sam is being a strange around me, I still have yet to tell my mum, dad and my landlady is fussing around being so kind yet she’s told all her friends and family without my damn permission. I have nobody to look after me and I constantly feel like I just want to throw my life away for good.
I was raped on Thursday night / Friday morning. The man who did it had a wife, a child on the way. I don’t know him - don’t know anyone round here. But the police told me about him and it makes me sick. I had a full body examination, from internal swabs to dry swabs on my shoulders. Urine samples, a blood test, alcohol level tests. Doctors, police, sexual offence officers. Counsellors, support workers. I had to take off all my clothes and be exposed all over my body from my breasts to my lady parts. And it was the single most humiliating, terrifying experience of my life.
To know the process is this awful… this is why I’ve never reported an offence like this before. And the worst thing - they’re saying he could possibly get away with it as he’s told them it was consented sex and it’s his word against mine. Forensics will only prove that there was sex involved. I guess that means I’m putting myself through all this for nothing.
I’ve never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. And the worst part is that he’s been released on bail. What if he finds me? What if he hurts me? The police and laws are fucking ridiculous. I’ve not been given any sort of protection whatsoever. I’m scared of everything. The slightest noise makes my heart pound. I haven’t slept in nearly 72 hours. I’ve had one meal in three days. I can’t focus, can’t do anything to occupy myself.
And I have to tell my mum tomorrow. I wish someone could just help me deal with this. I wish I could speak to someone who understands. If he gets away with this.. how am I meant to cope? How will I ever be truely safe whilst living in this house. I’ll have to move again to solve that problem and it’s not like I can afford that. Any hopes of finding a new job right now are completely lost. I just wish someone would care… and help me through this. Everyone is being so weird with me. I feel like I did something wrong or like I deserved it all.
It’s even in the newspapers already. What the hell has happened to me..
Kristi Becca Angel Belinda Holly Emma Jess Britt Halley risa Simply Precious Becky Michelle Janet pat adoraze Marsha Mookxi Candygirl Chester Jiske Merinn Chelsea Lisa Marie Angela
Oh..honey. I wish I could be there with you right now, to protect you
I wish there was just SOMETHING I could do, to make things easier for you..but there’s not.. all I can do is pray long and hard for you and be positive that things will get better and that his ass will stay in jail. It’s a terrible TERRIBLE thing that has happened and I couldn’t imagine going through it myself. You’re so strong to deal with all of this. I admire you so much for hanging in there and being strong for the rest of us. I love you to peices dear..let me know if there is absolutely anything I can do. If you ever want to fly to Arkansas..you have a place to stay!!! *big, long, hug*
Comment by Kristi — May 4, 2008 @ 12:46 am
I’m so sorry that happend to you. There is no way ANYONE deserves that. I hope things work right and he gets put away or something. Something more than bail anyways. It’s just not right.
I hope things get better for you. You can email me and talk if you like.
Comment by Becca — May 4, 2008 @ 4:06 am
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that. If you need someone to talk to, or someone to just listen, feel free to contact me. Also, I would suggest you visit www.taking-back-control.com which is geared toward those who have been in your situation. Again, if you need anything, anything at all please let me know. *hugs*
Comment by Angel — May 4, 2008 @ 8:15 am
Wow, I have no words right now, because I know I can’t say anything to make you happy.
The law is a fucked up thing. Maybe you should ask if you can stay with your Mum for a few days, especially if you don’t feel safe in your own home.
Comment by Belinda — May 4, 2008 @ 8:28 am
I know I don’t know you, but I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, it must be an absolutely horrific thing to have to go through.
I think it’s disgusting that he’s out on bail, and that he might end up getting away with it, because there’s no way you can prove that it wasn’t consensual.
I don’t blame you for feeling so nervous every time you hear a noise! I’d be exactly the same! I think you should tell your mother, and go and stay with her for awhile, it might help you feel safer if you have other people around.
That’s terrible that your landlady has gone and told all of her friends! That’s not her right at all!
Take care.
Comment by Holly — May 4, 2008 @ 10:35 am
OMG! What a f*cking b*stard, and they gave him bail!
*hugs*
I’m so sorry that happened to you I don’t know what so say. Maybe you should stay with your mum if you don’t feel safe, like Holly suggested.
I hope your ok.
Comment by Emma — May 4, 2008 @ 1:00 pm
awww hun i don’t believe it. you poor thing
i don’t really know what to say *hug* i know we’ve not spoke in ages but if you need a chat then im always willing to listen. thinking of you xxxx
Comment by Jess — May 4, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Noo, honey, you definitely don’t deserve this! Don’t think that, because you know it’s crap.
I really don’t know what to say about the rape other than that it’s awful and that guy should be locked away for the rest of his life! It’s unbelievable people can do such things and not even feel guilty about it (how else would you explain the fact that he says it’s consented sex).
I cannot say I know how you feel so I don’t think I can be of much help to you but you know if you need someone to talk to I am always there for you, okay. And if you want to talk to somene who’s been throug the same thing, maybe you should look for an online community or find a local group?
Good luck. With everything. xoxoxo
Comment by Britt — May 4, 2008 @ 5:20 pm
OMGOD. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. *speechless*.
Don’t feel like you deserved any of this. No one deserve to be assulted like that! How can someone be so cruel. God, that man should go hang himself!
I don’t know what to say, I just hope everything gets better. I hope you the very best swtie. Move in with someone for the time being. I hope you feel better. You should talk to someone, anyone about all this. It’ll be good for you.
Comment by Halley — May 4, 2008 @ 6:21 pm
I’m so sorry that happened to you,and at worst that he could getaway with it.I guess the best thing to do is hope,and pray that justice prevails in the end.If only one way to look at it,your putting yourself through this so that another person doesnt suffer the same fate,and perhaps he will be charged.I hope he does.If at all means he doesnt appeal.
Good luck and please dont feel to down in the dumps.
Bad things tend to happen to us all at times,in order to see the rainbow,you have to deal with the rain.
Not that what happened is something we should just put up with but perhaps something good will come out of it.
R
Comment by risa — May 5, 2008 @ 5:21 am
*hugs* I’m soo sorry to hear about all of this. Wow. I thought that this was some made up story, but it’s not. Wow. Good luck with all of this.
Comment by Simply Precious — May 6, 2008 @ 4:17 pm
I’m so sorry! Can’t believe that this has happened, some people are just..bastards >=[
I’m sure you’re going to hear that lots of times, but I’m going to say it again just so you know! 
He won’t getaway with it! Hopefully he’ll be locked away for a long time, people like him deserve to rot in prison.
You didn’t deserve this to happen, and it wasn’t your fault
*hugs*
Comment by Becky — May 6, 2008 @ 8:18 pm
It’s horrible that the justice system is that fucked up nowadays. I mean, if it’s his word against yours than yours should mean something more because a) you’re the one who is the victim and b) he’s supposed to be a man in a marriage with a baby soon. What kind of husband and future-father is he if he’ll engage in “consented sex”? There’s just so many damn holes in his story that way that it’s bullshit that he can get away with something like this.
I’m sorry it has happened to you, Laura, and you know that we’re all here for you with anything you need help with, just someone to talk to or something. I lose my faith in humanities in times like this.
Comment by Michelle — May 7, 2008 @ 3:38 am
Oh, hun, I’m so sorry. That is absolutely horrible. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you, but I know there isn’t.
Comment by Janet — May 7, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
*hugs* oh dear.. please don’t ever feel like you deserved it. You don’t. he violated your rights as a human being and he should be kept away. I can’t imagine how u must be feeling right now and I wish there’s something we all could do. You realy don’t deserve it and i pray that the guy would get what he deserves.
HUGS
Comment by pat adoraze — May 8, 2008 @ 6:50 am
I am so sorry to hear that.
You didn’t deserve it so please don’t think that. I don’t get why he was released on bail. I hope he gets arrested again and never let out. If I was there, I’d try and do something to help. 
Though, Sam really should be there for you instead of acting strange…
Comment by Marsha — May 9, 2008 @ 3:30 pm
Heyyy, i’m sorry if people are being weird with you. I’m sure they just want to comfort you [just like i want to] in any way they can, especially because they can’t understand it if they haven’t been raped before.. I do have a friend who’s had the same thing done to her and she was interstate, she had to fly all the way down here.. it’s normal to feel the way you’re feeling because what that man did was horrible & unforgivable but i suppose if at all possible talk to your friends & confide with the people you love & trust and they will support you.
I’m not sure if you believe in the power of prayers but I”ll pray for you Laura.
Comment by Mookxi — May 10, 2008 @ 1:38 pm
Mh.. I think no one will understand you more than just another person who has gone through the same..
Hope that person who did that to you, gets what he deserves. And you could live again peacefully without fear.. I wish the best for you. Hope you are much better now..
Comment by Candygirl — May 11, 2008 @ 7:55 pm
go on. you can move on. but i think it really takes time to recover.
btw, the screenshots on yer tutorial at image mapping is not appearing.
Comment by Chester — May 12, 2008 @ 7:56 am
Honey, I’ve told you this at Verity.. But I’m so so sorry to hear, still. Even though I know you’re feeling a little bit more upbeat right now, it still breaks my heart to read it all over again.
How are you and Sam doing now? I know the two of you were on a break, but I haven’ t heard about him since. I don’t mean to be rude, but honestly, I think he doesn’t deserve you. You’re worth so much more than he’s showing to care for you. He should’ve been there for you, supporting you.. Not telling about his fucking holiday or going out drinking.
Honey, be strong. You know we’ll be there for you even when you sometimes feel all alone.
Comment by Jiske — May 12, 2008 @ 4:14 pm
Wow, your post just left me speechless. To blog about this on the internet is very brave of you because it’s a horrifying experience. It’s hard finding people to relate this to, but there are people out there. There are support groups and everything, and perhaps you could get a good lawyer by your side to help you out.
Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck.
Comment by Merinn — May 13, 2008 @ 3:16 am
I admire you for your bravery.
What happened to you is a horrible thing and I am truly sorry. Just know that you are not alone and there are others out there who you can talk to and relate to.
Comment by Chelsea — May 13, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
I am so sorry this has happened to you. You did not deserve this at all. No woman does. I hope this guy will go to jail and I hope for the best to you. <33
Comment by Lisa Marie — May 14, 2008 @ 5:01 pm
My god.. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish there was something that I could do. I hope you are ok. I know I do not know you, but if you do need to talk, email me your msn name or your AIM sn, I’m always here to lend an ear and a shoulder if you need it. My email is angela@unsexy.net.
I can’t say that I know what you are going through, but I have been through a mess of things when I was a child, and the person who did it still walks free to this very day. The justice system is a piece of shit. They make it out to seem like you are some kind of slut or somehow asked for it.. or are just plain lying. I really hope that you are ok. Please email me if you need a friend.
Comment by Angela — May 15, 2008 @ 3:38 am