Lipstick solves all my problems. With everything that has happened recently, I feel half the person I used to be even though I’m probably almost an extra half in weight. Something goes wrong so I comfort eat. Then I feel bad that I’m such a disgusting pig so I eat more to make myself feel better. Just for a few minutes of security. I wonder what it is that makes so many people turn to food for a few moments of peace. What is it about the taste and texture of junk food that can make you feel like you’re chewing your worries away? I sometimes wonder if I’m just destined to be an obese middle-aged woman with no career or money prospects. I wonder, but I certainly don’t want it for myself.

My confidence has taken some serious beatings since I was a very little girl and this has never changed. My BMI tells me I’m not overweight but I see a different person in the mirror. There have been times that I’ve worked for months to build on my self-esteem, only to face another disappointment in life that throws me straight back down the ladder of happiness into the pits of despair. I’m desperately struggling for a way to stay at the top of this ladder. A harness that will keep me there without fail, no matter what difficulties fate brings my way.

Lipstick is like my war paint. I put it on so carefully keeping perfectly within the lines with a strong and steady hand, ready to face the world. The harsh red stain against a pale and worried face. It gives me strength in an unknown way. I hide behind a false smile and pretend everything is okay, but it’s not.In light of the recent news that my boyfriend might have cancer in his testicles. Well – let’s just say the lipstick will need to be replaced much more often than usual. I need to be strong for him now and leave my own issues to the side for a while. It’s hard with the thread of eviction and lack of an income. But it’s time to put my selfish reasons for feeling so down in a box with an impossible seal to break. It’s time I realised that this is my life and nobody can say anything that will make me feel like it’s not worth living because all I have to do is smile, nod and walk away.

And it’s times like this that I wish I had some sort of faith or religion. So I could pray for Sam, knowing that someone out there just might be listening to my cry for help. It’s hard to deal with your loved ones life changing troubles when you have so many of your own. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own.