Visiting the old town
February 25, 2008 || Filed under my old life, rants ||
So I visited “home” over the weekend, before I started work Monday. Put me behind on rent funds but it was well worth it. I saw my mum, my friends, my best friend.
One thing that really upsets me though - everyone seems to be getting pregnant. Ever since that incident a few months back and being told I may not be able to have children anymore… well it breaks my heart. Five of my close friends are pregnant or have just had a baby in the past month and it ripped my insides out having to see them. I’m so happy for them yet at the same time a huge jealous pain runs through me, right down to my toes.
All I can do is blame others. If Si wasn’t cheating on me, if my mum hadn’t forced me so hard, if my friends had been more supportive, I’d have never had that abortion at the age of 16. If my friend hadn’t got drunk and beaten the living daylights out of me, I’d not be told I couldn’t have children. If he had stayed at his own house that night or stopped drinking so much, I’d still be able to have the dreams of settling down and starting a beautiful family of my own.
I don’t know. Visiting home was lovely. But the memories it brought back along with the realisation that my friends are growing up and settling down with children - and leaving me behind - that really spoilt my mood. In a way, I wish I’d just stayed here and pretended I’d never lived there in the first place.
I kick myself every moment of my life, every time I see a child. If I’d only been stronger at the age of 16, even after being told I can’t have children now due to such a severe beating. At least I’d have one child. One person to love forever.
Better than having nothing at all. I’d swap everything I own right now for that chance. Not right now - but one day - to be a mum. It breaks my heart to think that might not be possible. I know there are other ways but.. well.. you know.
Blehh, sorry. Things on my mind. Needed to steam.
Jessie Kristi Rosie Eunice Michelle Pat Emma Britt Elizabeth Britney Mookxi
Having been there, I know exactly where you’re coming from. I cry for my lost baby everyday, and I too may not be able to have kids. It doesn’t wory me but it hurts a lot, and in Law we are currently studying abortions. I can’t deal with it, and you know what? Only two people in that class even know.
And don’t get too upset, sometimes you can still have kids after they say you can’t. Miracles happen, and you’re very deserving.
Love Jess.
Comment by Jessie — February 25, 2008 @ 4:21 am
Your blog is meant for steaming, never apologise.
Sweetheart, just because a doctor says you MAY not be able to have children doesn’t mean you can’t. In fact, I bet you can. I mean.. look at how strong you are to have survived all of that. God isn’t going to punish you further. I know I know..Im about the only one around VMB that believes in God in this sort of way and Im not preaching, I promise. I have faith that one day you’ll be able to have children and settle down..perhaps with Sam? When you were 16, I know you made an incredibley hard decision but I think it was the best one. I mean look at how hard things have been in the past two years.. it would have been 10x harder with a child. dont get me wrong, Im not saying you couldnt do it..but not having the child will give you opportunites to get on your feet so that when you do have a child (and youll be able too..if not Ill fly to England, get inseminated and carry it for you!) you’ll be able to prvide for it all the nice things you want too!
I know I made a post about babis..eeeeveryones having babies..babies babies..but how old are your friends? are they your age? 18ish? 19? Thats mighty young and as happy as they are, their good years of partying and whatever else they did, is over. You still have time to live fully (not that you woulddnt with a kid..but you know..) and really fall in love with the potential father of your baby and have a GOOD relationship, full of nothing but love and trust.
Basically my darling, you made the right decision and when the time is right..you’ll be able to have one.. just have faith; I do. <3
Comment by Kristi — February 25, 2008 @ 6:36 pm
Sweets, you’re only eighteen, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you, like Kristi said, everything you’ve been through would have been a hell of a lot harder with a child to provide for, you’re a wonderful person and one day you’ll meet someone fantastic and settle down and have loads of babies….there are so many options for people who cannot have children, and you’re not one of those people…..no one said you defintiely cannot have children.
Comment by Rosie — February 26, 2008 @ 2:45 pm
Aww, I’m so sorry that you’ve been told that you couldn’t have a child, and also that you had to undergo abortion at the age of 16. It must have been really horrible…
I hope the future turns out brighter though
Comment by Eunice — February 26, 2008 @ 3:02 pm
Kristi and Rosie are right. You are a great person and one day you’ll have the life that you want. You are going to be a great mother one day, but right now you should focus on yourself and getting to that point in life where you can comfortably support yourself and another person. It’s okay to blame other people because what else would anyone do in that situation? You will be a great mother. Doctors can be wrong sometimes, or maybe, as time goes by, the doctor will find that you have healed over time and your chances can go up one you give your body time to do what it needs to do to get better.
Comment by Michelle — February 27, 2008 @ 4:29 am
Hello laura. I would love to exchange links with you! I’ve added you already.
Comment by Pat — February 27, 2008 @ 7:28 am
The other commenters are right, just because doctors say that now… you never know in the future.
Comment by Emma — February 27, 2008 @ 11:13 am
Hey hun. What the doctors said may not be true. Who knows, you may still have children in the future. And if not, like you said there are other ways.
But hey, don’t worry about that now, you have brighter things to think of! Like your new job and Sam, although I know he’s not feeling the best at the moment. But it’s not all shit life brings!
Comment by Britt — February 29, 2008 @ 4:28 pm
Aww sorry you can’t have a baby.
I would be very heartbroken too. I know this teacher who couldn’t have a baby, so she is trying to adopt one. I hope everything goes well!! That really sucks that your friends beat you, but don’t worry, its ok to feel that way.
Comment by Elizabeth — February 29, 2008 @ 8:42 pm
That was really sad to read.
I don’t even know what to say. :/ Maybe a miracle will happen someday.
Comment by Britney — March 2, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
heyy Laura, don’t be sorry about blogging this. I don’t think what you’re saying is trivial at all and I really feel for you that you may not be able to have a child but it’s not 100% for sure though is it ? I admit, I don’t completely understand what you’re going thru and don’t pretend to but my heart really goes out to you.. I really hope that you don’t give up and that some day you’ll be able to have children. Have you ever considered adoption though ? Just curious.
Thanks again for your kind comments on my blog. Makes me happy since I don’t get near as many comments as you do ;-b hehe, I’d do anything for my closest friends ;-DD [refers to the comment you made]
Comment by Mookxi — March 4, 2008 @ 7:37 am