I’d like to say a huge thank you to everyone who posted a comment on my last entry. Your words were so kind and supportive, it really picked me up to know that people out there can understand. I must say the police really made me feel like I was the person in the wrong with this case. Like I asked for it in some way by being drunk and in a skirt. I could have been naked laying on a field and not deserved what happened, but some people can be harsh and unfortunately that’s the way the law stands. Which I personally think is awful. But there we go. I’ve yet to hear anymore about it. I also emailed the newspaper that printed the story with false statements and they took the article off the front page. Still yet to recieve an apology. I’m sure that won’t happen though.

I went away last week to spend time at my mum’s in Somerset. Living here with no family can be hard plus Sam and I went on a short break to sort our heads out with what happened and other issues that were constantly popping up, so being away helped a lot. I rekindled my relationship with my sister. We didn’t talk for nearly a year and it hurt a lot to be so distant from eachother, but things are just like they used to be - perhaps better. She’s picking me up again on Saturday to spend the evening out and then Sunday my mum is throwing a family barbecue. It’s great to see my family together as one again. It’s never been as close as it is now. Obviously my dad still isn’t involved but my mum, sister and I can do just fine as we are.

As for other things, I’ve decided to start a new cleaning business in this new town. Not just yet. I’ll wait for the compensation money for my back to come through, then buy myself a car to get around. By then I should hopefully feel a lot better psychologically which means I can get back into bar work during the evenings and hopefully build myself a small cleaning client base, working up from there.

I’m also working on a victim support website for victims of rape and sexual assault. I’ll be setting up a forum for people to communicate and meet others who have been through the same. Survivor stories, general information and a personal support line where people can speak to me via messenger or email. I’ve bought the domain, just need to get everything together. I hope it’ll at least help others - even if my case doesn’t find justice.

Thanks again for the kind words. Also a quick plug for Verity. I’m hoping to recruit some new faces on our wonderful community And a very loving plug for BRITT who sent me a birthday CD with lots of songs with my name in it and various others, plus a gorgeous hand made CD cover and a sweet letter. She’s a very kind person and deserves lots of good things

I’m also pleased to say that things with Sam and I are 150% better than ever. He’s just like he used to be, all the tension is gone between us and it feels like old times. I’m much happier with him now and as always, he means the world to me.

I’ve been in the police station for hours upon end giving video statements and written statements. Telling my story over and over again. This isn’t how I expected my first week of being 19 years old to turn out. I feel like my life is at a loose end right now, like there’s no escape from it all. Sam is being a strange around me, I still have yet to tell my mum, dad and my landlady is fussing around being so kind yet she’s told all her friends and family without my damn permission. I have nobody to look after me and I constantly feel like I just want to throw my life away for good.

I was raped on Thursday night / Friday morning. The man who did it had a wife, a child on the way. I don’t know him - don’t know anyone round here. But the police told me about him and it makes me sick. I had a full body examination, from internal swabs to dry swabs on my shoulders. Urine samples, a blood test, alcohol level tests. Doctors, police, sexual offence officers. Counsellors, support workers. I had to take off all my clothes and be exposed all over my body from my breasts to my lady parts. And it was the single most humiliating, terrifying experience of my life.

To know the process is this awful… this is why I’ve never reported an offence like this before. And the worst thing - they’re saying he could possibly get away with it as he’s told them it was consented sex and it’s his word against mine. Forensics will only prove that there was sex involved. I guess that means I’m putting myself through all this for nothing.

I’ve never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. And the worst part is that he’s been released on bail. What if he finds me? What if he hurts me? The police and laws are fucking ridiculous. I’ve not been given any sort of protection whatsoever. I’m scared of everything. The slightest noise makes my heart pound. I haven’t slept in nearly 72 hours. I’ve had one meal in three days. I can’t focus, can’t do anything to occupy myself.

And I have to tell my mum tomorrow. I wish someone could just help me deal with this. I wish I could speak to someone who understands. If he gets away with this.. how am I meant to cope? How will I ever be truely safe whilst living in this house. I’ll have to move again to solve that problem and it’s not like I can afford that. Any hopes of finding a new job right now are completely lost. I just wish someone would care… and help me through this. Everyone is being so weird with me. I feel like I did something wrong or like I deserved it all.

It’s even in the newspapers already. What the hell has happened to me..

I forgot to mention that Blossom died on the weekend. Saturday morning I found her. She was only like 7 days in my care and I did everything to keep her comfortable. It doesn’t seem right, but there we go. RIP Blossom Awww… poor hamster.

So anyway, annoyed right now! It’s 4am and I should be going to sleep but I just lost out on Poker and made myself mad. Then I’ve got the TV on watching people bang on about “You slept with him and her and him, the baby isn’t mine!” and then find out they’re completely wrong. Then the TV asks me if I would like to perform my daily software upgrade. Would you like to perform the daily upgrade? No thank you Mr Freeview Box. Okay, I’ll do it anyway.

Seriously - what is the point of me stretching to pick up the damn remote, find the right button to say no to it but then it pops up again less than a minute later. Obviously you won’t let me rest until I damn well upgrade you so just do it - what’s the point in asking!?

It’s like when someone says “What would you like to do this evening? Eat or go for a drink?” You tell them you want to eat and they say, “Oh well I wanted to drink so we’ll do that instead yeah?” It’s like… why the hell did you ask me in the first place then? I know a few people I could mark guilty for that. Grrr… 4am makes me moody.

But if it’s any consolation, there are new things up all over the place. Check out each section, hundreds of pages have been added

It’s been eight years today since my stepfather, Sean died. He passed away from chronic alcoholism, knew he was going to die but chose not to change his ways. Still, eight years on I miss him. He meant the world to me, after never really having my real dad around - it was amazing to have a fatherly figure, doing family stuff with him. He bought me an expensive bicycle and would take me out on it, even though I often fell off and hurt myself.

Seeing him detereorate was horrible. I’d see the pain in my mum’s eyes and notice how hard she tried to keep his daughter looked after (she came to live with us when she was only a few months old) and how hard she tried to make him stop drinking. I remember the way he’d stumble home after being round his parents house with bottles upon bottles of cider. I remember the arguments and the tears he caused.

But it mostly sticks with me just how happy we all were, when he wasn’t drunk. Those times when he was able to control himself. I miss those. I try to talk to my mum about him sometimes, but she changes the subject before things get too much for us both. I hope that where ever he is, he’s happy. And I hope he knows I’m thinking of him always.